My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
