At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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