There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
