I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Randomize
