I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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