my phone needs a breathalizer
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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