So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
