I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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