My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
