Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
