just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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