I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
