last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I pour the whiskey from now on
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
