My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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