I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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