If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
