Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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