omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
