mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
