Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
