who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
