turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
