It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
