I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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