I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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