just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
