I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize