Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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