I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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