I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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