his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
