the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
