I just pynch a tree in the face
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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