Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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