Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need water and some morals
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
