When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
