Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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