so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
