shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
