Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
