We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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