The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
