Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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