If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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