I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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