can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
