Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
