dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
