Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
