U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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