There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
