I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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