If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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