Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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