so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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