So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
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